Ben

I started writing book 11 in the Claus Universe in November of 2022. Like most stories, I had a broad story arc in mind. I hadn’t planned on loss and grief being the crux of this adventure, but that's where the story went.

Six months later, I was nearing the end of the rough draft. I had just finished an emotional chapter where the main character faces the loss of her parents and the grief that consumes her. I finished that chapter on April 27, 2023.

On April 30, my son ended his life. He was 28 years old.

The only people I had lost in my life are grandparents. They were late in life when they passed. I am 56 years old. I have never faced loss on this level. It is a tsunami that washes everything away.

I wept for 48 hours. There was no sleeping that first night. After that, the shockwaves began to settle. It would take weeks for life to come back together. It’s not the same. Never will be. Even today, there’s a small part of me waiting to wake up from this dream.

I began writing stories over 20 years ago. It began when I wrote a story for Ben. That became the Socket Greeny trilogy. I wanted to express the difficulties of life in story form. The twenty-somethings is a very difficult time. It is that jagged terrain between childhood and adulthood. For some, the journey is long and treacherous. I had always envied those who seemed to cross over without breaking a sweat. Many of us, though, become exhausted with no guarantees we will complete the journey.

I was fortunate to have met teachers during that time in my life—therapists, meditation practitioners, mentors—who buoyed me during storms, taught me how to grow up, to find purpose. It was long and arduous. For my son, it felt impossible. 

In his memory, we created a sticker from artwork he had done in middle school. It was always one of our favorites. He was a skater at heart. We copied his handwriting to include "Ben is here". It is our chant. Our mantra. At first, we wrote "Ben was here". But as long as we're here, he's here.

If you would like a sticker, I would be honored to mail you some. All you have to do is email your address to tony (at) bertauski.com. Put the sticker wherever you want. Water bottle, bus station, dive bar, skatepark, sidewalk, refrigerator, wherever. All I ask is to email me a photo of it. That will bring us joy. 

You don't have to be a fan of my writing. Anyone can have one. 

Thank you for reading this far. It helps to be heard.

Much love. #benishere