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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Humans Rule

Squirrels are rodents. Fact.

These bushy tailed rats have been gangbanging the bird feeder for the last two months. It started out innocent enough, every once in awhile one would hang upside down from a branch shoveling seed into its pointy mouth. Thing would eyeball me while I watched from the kitchen. What you going to do about it, son?

So I put hot sauce on the branch, see if they like a few Scovilles with their seeds. But my daughter didn't like it. Their lips would burn. Besides, they were cute. Who wants to hurt cute animals? She'll eat hamburger because cows are dumb and ugly, but not deer. Too cute. And rabbit? That's like eating our dog.

The hot sauce trick didn't work. I think they liked it. I took canes from the Alphonse Karr bamboo growing in our backyard, made a three-pole teepee and hung the birdfeeder in the center. Took about half a day for one of those bushy tailed bastards to shimmy up one of the poles and start shoveling, eyeballing while he did it.

So I greased the poles with globs of engine grease. Next morning, I stood in the kitchen drinking coffee as one of those furry pigs made the climb. When he reached the top, he began to slide. He was probably squeezing that pole with everything he had, but he went down with a stupid look on his face. He saw me in the kitchen, eyeballing him all the way to the bottom. I could see defeat in his eyes. It was over.

Humans rule.

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